My Heart

Do they have a term for foolish acts done in past in an aware state of mind? It’s not a mistake- as I knew what I have done in my life so far. It’s not impulsive- as I have been thinking about it. And it’s certainly not smart or right.

So why did I do it? My heart desired. It begged me to indulge it. To make it flutter once again. To make it hope. To make it love.

And I abided. Knowing full well that my heart will break...sooner or later. For its sake, I hope it’s later.

But I had to take the chance. I needed that leap of faith. Will I land on feet or on my face and break my nose, I don’t know. My brain tells me it will be the latter and is warning me of the consequences.

My heart however, is dreaming again. Hoping again. Desiring to love again. A teeny part of it knows, the dreams will be shattered, the hopes will be unfulfilled, the desires will need to be tamed. But right now my heart awaits...with bated breath...for its destiny to come for it. 

Till then, my heart is dead...

My heart is dead. It does not want to face this world. Going through emotions today, I felt an out-of-body experience. Like the person was not me, but a bleak part of me. While the real me, with the heart, just watched silently.

The real me knew that the other me was doing, what was required to be done, and questioning me is he doing it well?. But there was no heart in any of it. Because, as I said, my heart is dead.

It’s hiding from pain. It’s hiding from the unknown. It’s hiding its tears. It’s hiding its desires and fears. It's emptiness. It's helplessness. 

My heart is dead. It does not show itself. When I smile, the smile does not reach my eyes. When I laugh, my laughter seems hollow. But only to me. No one else guesses why my eyes seem lifeless and the laughter soulless. How can anyone know, when I don’t understand it myself.

But what I do know is that I want to tempt my heart to rise again from its death place like a, "Phoenix". To experience new feelings, to feel new experiences, to meet new people, to explore new places, to finish this emptiness, to be jovial, to sing and dance to the tunes of new life and nature, to lead the same old life. But it does not listen to me.

I wonder what will tempt my heart to come out and live once again. Till then, my heart is dead.

Why am i writing ?

I often write words that just comes to me. But, how come everyone writes nowadays? I mean, I am writing a blog! Someone – let’s call her ‘Mysterious Girl’- once said I am the most pathetic, cruel and unromantic person on this planet earth! And why do I have a blog ?
So what is this obsession to write or should I say “expression”? Someone once said, that people write blogs because they want attention and want to be “sexy and get noticed. Really? Since when did writing become attention seeking or noticable or sexy? It’s one of the most mundane and ancient activities. That is what i personally feel.
I think people write to share things they can’t always talk about. They write to find themselves and sometimes to bring down their pain. The thoughts, the feeling, the emotions that they cannot bring to words while talking. So that brings me to, why the need to share? It’s because only when it’s shared, it becomes real.
If something happens to me- death,  life, good, bad, funny, silly, sad, touching- it only appears real when I tell someone about it. And these writings are actually or preferably or mostly shared with the most important person in ones life. At least one person. If I can’t do that, then that experience does not seem real. Like it never happened. Weird? Probably, but that is my reasoning on at least why I am writing.
Other people probably write for other reasons- they actually have something meaningful to say (or think they do), are professionals e.g. authors, poets etc. (I so admire authors! Sexiest profession as per me, second only to travellers- involves travelling, meeting new people, exploring new cultures, traditions and so much more: so masculine, and creativity: so inspirational- what could be sexier and fun? But hey, I digress).
Other people who write probably prefer it to talking, so they write as a way to communicate. While some others write to simply brag.
I do wish however more people would read- not my blog- just in general...people should read more than they write and not the other way round. I don’t think myself as a judgemental person (but then who does, right?). But I REALLY am not one. Except for people who don’t read books. I judge them. I find them boring, shallow and dull.
So if you want to be (or at least appear to be) interesting and thus sexy, go pick up a book. If, not book at least go pick up and read something. Ideally something from the classics or entertainment.
P.S. read my other posts below before judging my writings and poems ;)

पहली बारिश

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मौसम-ए-गर्मी की पहली
रिम झिम रिम झिम
झम झम झम झम
ठंडी ठंडी
भीगी भीगी
भीनी भीनी
यह बारिश
और इस मौसम की पहली
बारिश में छत पर नहाना
और गुनगुनाना
अपनों के साथ छत पर खेलना
आप सभी को मेरी ओर से
मौसम की इस बारिश की शुभकामनाएँ....

Tum Aa Gaye Ho....

My some of the favourite songs composed by Pancham Da "Boss"

You Never Know

Out here you see
A normal guy
But in my head
The turmoil swirls
So many thoughts
A whole other world
The who's and what's
The how's and why's
An inkling of
A brilliant mind
Then gone....
Off and running
The next charade
I march alone
An endless parade
The brilliant make-up
The perfect hair
But 'deep' inside
What's really there
Or not so perfect
Wrinkled clothes
No make-up
Maybe kinda slow
But within inside
You never know

अब तक

मुझे तेरा इंतज़ार था अब तक
तुझसे मिलने को दिल बेकरार था अब तक
तू मेरी है हाँ! सिर्फ मेरी है
दिल की यही पुकार थी अब तक
उठी थी जो वो पहली नज़र तेरी जानिब
इन आँखों में वही खुमार था अब तक
तुझ से बिछड कर बहुत रोया था ये दिल
पर फिर भी तुझसे मिलने को बेकरार था अब तक
वो तेरा बार बार दिखाना बेरुखी
बस तेरी इसी बात से इनकार था अब तक
आखिर दिल को समझा ही लिया मैंने
जो नहीं तेरा उसे भूल जा 'निर्जन'
आखिर किसका इंतज़ार तुझे था अब तक....

Greater Plan

Sifting through the truth and lies
Exciting for a while
Crushed in discovery
Returning to real life
Existing for one thing
Time that I realized
Sometimes there's a greater plan

Its Not Fair ???

I don't know what to do
You love me and I love you
But somehow you are with him
You say it’s been awhile
And he's serious with you
But do you love him?
Does he love you?
Like I do?
I don't know what to do
I don't want you to feel pressured
But I don't see how it's fair
When you love me
And I love you

I Miss Her

I miss her...
Can she hear my heart calling her?
Can she hear my soul scream?
Can she see the desperation on my face
When she say I won‘t see you again?
Can she feel the tears
That fall like summer rain?
I miss her
I miss the conversations we make
And all the easy laughs
I miss the way we used to sit
And watch the people pass
I miss my best friend
And all the times we had
I miss all the jokes we would make
About the life we persuade and persist
I could talk to her about anything
There weren’t any taboos
I could tell her everything
My deepest secrets she knew
If she ever wonder and think
Let the knowledge ring through
Know that deep within my heart
I miss her... I miss her... I miss her...

क्या समझती हो कि तुमको भी भुला सकता हूँ मैं

एक बहुत ही उम्दा शायर "जानब मजाज़ लखनवी" की लिखी चंद पंक्तियाँ प्रस्तुत कर रहा हूँ | इनका तर्जुमा मैंने अपनी मौजूदा अक्ल के हिसाब की किया है | उम्मीद है के मेरी हिमाकत कुछ तो रंग लाएगी | पेश-ए-खिदमत है आपके रुबरु ....

अपने दिल को दोनों आलम से उठा सकता हूँ मैं
क्या समझती हो कि तुमको भी भुला सकता हूँ मैं

You think I can’t let go of both worlds, I can
You think I can’t forget you, I can

कौन तुमसे छीन सकता है मुझे क्या वहम है
खुद जुलेखा से भी तो दामन बचा सकता हूँ मैं

It’s your misgiving that you can lose me to her
I can myself be indifferent to that beauty, I can

दिल मैं तुम पैदा करो पहले मेरी सी जुर्रतें
और फिर देखो कि तुमको क्या बना सकता हूँ मैं

Sow in yourself the same audacity I have
and I will make you someone else, I can

दफ़न कर सकता हूँ सीने में तुम्हारे राज़ को
और तुम चाहो तो अफसाना बना सकता हूँ मैं

I can bury your deepest secrets If I will
and I can make them a legend if you want, I can

तुम समझती हो कि हैं परदे बहुत से दरमियाँ
मैं यह कहता हूँ कि हर पर्दा उठा सकता हूँ मैं

You think that there are lots of curtains that hide
I say I will lift each one of them if I wish, I can

तुम कि बन सकती हो हर महफ़िल मैं फिरदौस-ए-नज़र
मुझ को यह दावा कि हर महफ़िल पे छा सकता हूँ मैं

Yes you may be the heavenly gaze in any gathering
But I challenge that I can be the life of any party, I can

आओ मिल कर इन्किलाब ताज़ा पैदा करें
दहर पर इस तरह छा जाएं कि सब देखा करें

Let’s get together and start a a revolution afresh

and be such that everyone looks at us and says, Wow!!!

- जानब मजाज़ लखनवी 

अब ऐसे इज्तिरार नहीं है...

तेरे सवालातों की गुज़ारिश हो
और मैं न बताऊँ
अब ऐसे इज्तिरार नहीं है
दिल्दोज़ है मेरा, और कोई बात नहीं है
बेखबर था, के यह बादल बिन बरसे उड़ जाने हैं
नौबहार आया, मगर मेरी काजा में बरसात नहीं है
जब टूट ही गया दिल, तो इन तरानों के क्या मायने हैं
गूंजती है क्यों यह आवाज़, जब कोई साज़ नहीं है
गम-ए-तारीक में तुझको अपना हम्जलीस, क्यों समझूँ ?
तू तो फिर तू है, मेरा साया भी मेरे साथ नहीं है
हयात-ए-इंसान मोहब्बत, एक बार करता है
फिर मुझको ये बता, क्या तू इंसान नहीं है ?
खत्म हुआ मेरा अफसाना, अब आबेचश्म पोछ भी ले
जिस रात में फसनाह हो, आज वो रात नहीं है
मेरे गमगीन होने पर, एहबाब हैं यूँ हैरान
मैं तो जैसे पत्थर हूँ, मेरे सीने में जज़्बात नहीं है...

इज्तिरार - मजबूर/हालात
दिल्दोज़ - ज़ख़्मी दिल
नौबहार - सावन
काजा - किस्मत
गम-ए-तारीक - अंध्रेरा
हम्जलीस - दोस्त
हयात-ए-इंसान - जिंदगी में इंसान
आबेचश्म - आंसू
फसनाह - प्यार/रोमांस
एहबाब - दोस्त
जज़्बात - अरमान

अजनबी

तब ये समां था कि क्या मैं बात करूं तुझसे,
आज ये आलम है कि क्या मैं तुमसे करूं बात ?

I thought then that I should talk to you.But what ?

Now I think that what should I talk to you ? If at all…

मेरा पैगाम .......

आज मौका मिल ही गया | अपनी आत्मा से किये हुए, खुद के साक्षात्कारों को अपने ब्लॉग पर प्रस्तुत करने का | बहुत सयम से एकत्रित अपने विचारों को, अपनी सोच को जो मैंने अपने कंप्यूटर में सहेज कर रखे हुए थे उन्हें अपने इस ब्लॉग के माध्यम से आपके समक्ष रूबरू करवाने का | मेरी सोच का एक आइना, मेरे जीवन के कटु सत्यों को, अपने आप से पूछे सवालों को, मेरे ज़मीर से निकले जवाबों को, मेरी अपनी लेखनी के माध्यम से और इस ब्लॉग के ज़रिये आप के दिलों तक पहुचने का एक छोटा सा प्रयास | आज दिल को फिर थोडा सुकून मिला | शायद कुछ और लोग भी हैं जिन्हें इसके माध्यम से सोचने का एक मौका मिले और वो भी मेरी इस सोच से इत्तेफाक रखने का प्रयत्न करें | शुभ रात्रि .... आज फिर एक बार चैन से सो सकूंगा .... 

At Last...Wires are gone...

After years and years of hearing about wi-fi enabled homes, today I am staying in one!
Hopefully, that means that I can now be 'online' at the comfort of my bed.

And hopefully that will translate into frequent posts.

Am not sure if any of you are glad to hear this, but I am..

I get so many ideas.. I wish to write but then I get lazy.

So now with wi-fi, I have only less excuse!

:-) .. cheers to my new wi-fi posts!

Meaning of Life...

"meaning to life ?
you are the problem
and the solution too
and everything that lies between
is also you
and so goes on
the endless struggle
to find meaning to life "

read these lines somewhere and remembered them... awesome lines

जिंदगी...

मुझे रबिन्द्रनाथ टगोर की यह पंक्तियाँ बेहद पसंद हैं ....

"Jaha chai, taha bhul kore chai. Jaha pai, taha chai naa."

Which mean, "What I want, I want by mistake. What I get, is something I dont want".

इसी तरह मैं जिंदगी में जो चाहता था वोह मुझे मिला नहीं, और जो जिंदगी मैं जी रहा हूँ वो मैं चाहता नहीं था |

यही जिंदगी का असल चेहरा है .....

जिंदगी के सवाल ....

जिंदगी के सवालों के जवाब ढूँढने चला
जवाबों में सवालों का बुना जाल ही मिला
सवाल ही सवाल हैं
नहीं सूझती कोई गली
शायद तू हाथ थाम ले मेरा
तेरे हाथ की कमी बहुत खली ....

A Thought : Quiet or Silent ???

Quiet is peace. Tranquility. Quiet is turning down the volume knob on life. Silence is pushing the off button. Shutting it down. All of it.

Life is strange...Never Perfect...!!!

Too much work, and I am bugged.
No work at all, and I am bored!!