अब तक

मुझे तेरा इंतज़ार था अब तक
तुझसे मिलने को दिल बेकरार था अब तक
तू मेरी है हाँ! सिर्फ मेरी है
दिल की यही पुकार थी अब तक
उठी थी जो वो पहली नज़र तेरी जानिब
इन आँखों में वही खुमार था अब तक
तुझ से बिछड कर बहुत रोया था ये दिल
पर फिर भी तुझसे मिलने को बेकरार था अब तक
वो तेरा बार बार दिखाना बेरुखी
बस तेरी इसी बात से इनकार था अब तक
आखिर दिल को समझा ही लिया मैंने
जो नहीं तेरा उसे भूल जा 'निर्जन'
आखिर किसका इंतज़ार तुझे था अब तक....

Greater Plan

Sifting through the truth and lies
Exciting for a while
Crushed in discovery
Returning to real life
Existing for one thing
Time that I realized
Sometimes there's a greater plan

Its Not Fair ???

I don't know what to do
You love me and I love you
But somehow you are with him
You say it’s been awhile
And he's serious with you
But do you love him?
Does he love you?
Like I do?
I don't know what to do
I don't want you to feel pressured
But I don't see how it's fair
When you love me
And I love you

I Miss Her

I miss her...
Can she hear my heart calling her?
Can she hear my soul scream?
Can she see the desperation on my face
When she say I won‘t see you again?
Can she feel the tears
That fall like summer rain?
I miss her
I miss the conversations we make
And all the easy laughs
I miss the way we used to sit
And watch the people pass
I miss my best friend
And all the times we had
I miss all the jokes we would make
About the life we persuade and persist
I could talk to her about anything
There weren’t any taboos
I could tell her everything
My deepest secrets she knew
If she ever wonder and think
Let the knowledge ring through
Know that deep within my heart
I miss her... I miss her... I miss her...

क्या समझती हो कि तुमको भी भुला सकता हूँ मैं

एक बहुत ही उम्दा शायर "जानब मजाज़ लखनवी" की लिखी चंद पंक्तियाँ प्रस्तुत कर रहा हूँ | इनका तर्जुमा मैंने अपनी मौजूदा अक्ल के हिसाब की किया है | उम्मीद है के मेरी हिमाकत कुछ तो रंग लाएगी | पेश-ए-खिदमत है आपके रुबरु ....

अपने दिल को दोनों आलम से उठा सकता हूँ मैं
क्या समझती हो कि तुमको भी भुला सकता हूँ मैं

You think I can’t let go of both worlds, I can
You think I can’t forget you, I can

कौन तुमसे छीन सकता है मुझे क्या वहम है
खुद जुलेखा से भी तो दामन बचा सकता हूँ मैं

It’s your misgiving that you can lose me to her
I can myself be indifferent to that beauty, I can

दिल मैं तुम पैदा करो पहले मेरी सी जुर्रतें
और फिर देखो कि तुमको क्या बना सकता हूँ मैं

Sow in yourself the same audacity I have
and I will make you someone else, I can

दफ़न कर सकता हूँ सीने में तुम्हारे राज़ को
और तुम चाहो तो अफसाना बना सकता हूँ मैं

I can bury your deepest secrets If I will
and I can make them a legend if you want, I can

तुम समझती हो कि हैं परदे बहुत से दरमियाँ
मैं यह कहता हूँ कि हर पर्दा उठा सकता हूँ मैं

You think that there are lots of curtains that hide
I say I will lift each one of them if I wish, I can

तुम कि बन सकती हो हर महफ़िल मैं फिरदौस-ए-नज़र
मुझ को यह दावा कि हर महफ़िल पे छा सकता हूँ मैं

Yes you may be the heavenly gaze in any gathering
But I challenge that I can be the life of any party, I can

आओ मिल कर इन्किलाब ताज़ा पैदा करें
दहर पर इस तरह छा जाएं कि सब देखा करें

Let’s get together and start a a revolution afresh

and be such that everyone looks at us and says, Wow!!!

- जानब मजाज़ लखनवी 

अब ऐसे इज्तिरार नहीं है...

तेरे सवालातों की गुज़ारिश हो
और मैं न बताऊँ
अब ऐसे इज्तिरार नहीं है
दिल्दोज़ है मेरा, और कोई बात नहीं है
बेखबर था, के यह बादल बिन बरसे उड़ जाने हैं
नौबहार आया, मगर मेरी काजा में बरसात नहीं है
जब टूट ही गया दिल, तो इन तरानों के क्या मायने हैं
गूंजती है क्यों यह आवाज़, जब कोई साज़ नहीं है
गम-ए-तारीक में तुझको अपना हम्जलीस, क्यों समझूँ ?
तू तो फिर तू है, मेरा साया भी मेरे साथ नहीं है
हयात-ए-इंसान मोहब्बत, एक बार करता है
फिर मुझको ये बता, क्या तू इंसान नहीं है ?
खत्म हुआ मेरा अफसाना, अब आबेचश्म पोछ भी ले
जिस रात में फसनाह हो, आज वो रात नहीं है
मेरे गमगीन होने पर, एहबाब हैं यूँ हैरान
मैं तो जैसे पत्थर हूँ, मेरे सीने में जज़्बात नहीं है...

इज्तिरार - मजबूर/हालात
दिल्दोज़ - ज़ख़्मी दिल
नौबहार - सावन
काजा - किस्मत
गम-ए-तारीक - अंध्रेरा
हम्जलीस - दोस्त
हयात-ए-इंसान - जिंदगी में इंसान
आबेचश्म - आंसू
फसनाह - प्यार/रोमांस
एहबाब - दोस्त
जज़्बात - अरमान

अजनबी

तब ये समां था कि क्या मैं बात करूं तुझसे,
आज ये आलम है कि क्या मैं तुमसे करूं बात ?

I thought then that I should talk to you.But what ?

Now I think that what should I talk to you ? If at all…

मेरा पैगाम .......

आज मौका मिल ही गया | अपनी आत्मा से किये हुए, खुद के साक्षात्कारों को अपने ब्लॉग पर प्रस्तुत करने का | बहुत सयम से एकत्रित अपने विचारों को, अपनी सोच को जो मैंने अपने कंप्यूटर में सहेज कर रखे हुए थे उन्हें अपने इस ब्लॉग के माध्यम से आपके समक्ष रूबरू करवाने का | मेरी सोच का एक आइना, मेरे जीवन के कटु सत्यों को, अपने आप से पूछे सवालों को, मेरे ज़मीर से निकले जवाबों को, मेरी अपनी लेखनी के माध्यम से और इस ब्लॉग के ज़रिये आप के दिलों तक पहुचने का एक छोटा सा प्रयास | आज दिल को फिर थोडा सुकून मिला | शायद कुछ और लोग भी हैं जिन्हें इसके माध्यम से सोचने का एक मौका मिले और वो भी मेरी इस सोच से इत्तेफाक रखने का प्रयत्न करें | शुभ रात्रि .... आज फिर एक बार चैन से सो सकूंगा .... 

At Last...Wires are gone...

After years and years of hearing about wi-fi enabled homes, today I am staying in one!
Hopefully, that means that I can now be 'online' at the comfort of my bed.

And hopefully that will translate into frequent posts.

Am not sure if any of you are glad to hear this, but I am..

I get so many ideas.. I wish to write but then I get lazy.

So now with wi-fi, I have only less excuse!

:-) .. cheers to my new wi-fi posts!

Meaning of Life...

"meaning to life ?
you are the problem
and the solution too
and everything that lies between
is also you
and so goes on
the endless struggle
to find meaning to life "

read these lines somewhere and remembered them... awesome lines

जिंदगी...

मुझे रबिन्द्रनाथ टगोर की यह पंक्तियाँ बेहद पसंद हैं ....

"Jaha chai, taha bhul kore chai. Jaha pai, taha chai naa."

Which mean, "What I want, I want by mistake. What I get, is something I dont want".

इसी तरह मैं जिंदगी में जो चाहता था वोह मुझे मिला नहीं, और जो जिंदगी मैं जी रहा हूँ वो मैं चाहता नहीं था |

यही जिंदगी का असल चेहरा है .....

जिंदगी के सवाल ....

जिंदगी के सवालों के जवाब ढूँढने चला
जवाबों में सवालों का बुना जाल ही मिला
सवाल ही सवाल हैं
नहीं सूझती कोई गली
शायद तू हाथ थाम ले मेरा
तेरे हाथ की कमी बहुत खली ....

A Thought : Quiet or Silent ???

Quiet is peace. Tranquility. Quiet is turning down the volume knob on life. Silence is pushing the off button. Shutting it down. All of it.

Life is strange...Never Perfect...!!!

Too much work, and I am bugged.
No work at all, and I am bored!!

'Touch' is all i need..

I was thinking why people get restless? Maybe it is because they have a desire which is unfulfilled or incomplete.

Then i came to think of the very clichéd question of what is it that I cant live without. And knocking off illegal answers like Books/Music/Food/Water/Air/Sleep/Computers and the likes.. I roughly figured out that it is 'Touch' that I can not do without.

By touch I mean that the real feeling of being loved or loving is not enough - I need presence just as much. I need to feel love and affection under my fingertips.

I don’t know if I am being juvenile in saying this. I am totally aware of truths like - "The one who looks outside dreams, and the one who looks inside awakens", but till the time I dont reach to a level where I can honestly say that I need nothing, not even myself, I would want to believe that it is Touch for me.

Dreamer..... am i ?

"Perhaps it is good to have a beautiful mind, but an even greater gift is to discover a beautiful heart."

"What truly is logic, who decides reason? My quest has taken me through the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional, and back. And I have made the most important discovery of my career, the most important discovery of my life. It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logical reasons can be found. I am only here tonight because of you. You are all I am. You are all my reasons."

- from the motion picture, A Beautiful Mind

Is it Normal ? Is it ?

I am getting sooo bored lately that I went into "Chutti kab hogi" mode. Checked the time, fuck its just 2 am in the morning and so many more hours to go and that munna bhai song started playing in my head 'Pal pal pal pal ... kaise katega har pal..' .. I minimized all active windows on my desktop and sat staring blankly at my workstation and just then i noticed - I have the same black wall paper on my PC every single day of the month which I never change and I am doing the same kind of work everyday. Hardly have any interesting people around, nothing new to do, hardly give time to myself and my loved ones, Don't have any more friends left to whom i can visit and enjoy. No love life left nor the lover. My life is totally gone in a dead mode. Think about it. Anyone would be bored with this. This discovery doesnt really make things interesting however, but at least its interesting to know that I am totally normal :|. Sigh.. Stagnation!!

R U Listening ???

What do I have to do to get your attention ?

Take out an ad in the newspaper??

Now I hate Love ???

Have u ever been in love?
Horrible, isnt it.
It makes u vulnerable, it opens up your chest and it opens up ur heart and it means someone can get inside u and mess u up.
You build up all these defences. You build up this armor for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life.
You give them a piece of you, they don’t ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you or smile at you and then your life isnt your own anymore.
Love takes hostages, it gets inside you. It eats you up and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a single phrase like “its over” or “I don’t love you anymore” turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart and gut.
How picturesque.
It hurts. Not just in the imagination, not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love.
I hate love.

---- Niel Gaiman

Hurt the VAIN or PAIN ?

I really don't know but still ask me every time if its good, fine or ok to fall out of love ?

Has it ever happened that sometimes when you pursue something or someone for so long that you eventually start feeling that you don’t need it anymore?

Slowly the truth seeps in, though quite disbelievingly, that at one point of time when you thought that there was no way you could do without this one thing in your life, now does not affect you.

That sometimes a tiny gesture or even the feeling of possessing it gave you an adrenalin rush but now slowly you cease to feel it.

Not that you don’t feel any thing about it anymore, but its just that it hurts more than it feels nice. Not the thought but the retropection still brings goose pimples on your skin. You feel the slitting pain - like blood gushing out of a deep wound when your skin is pale and cold. Like its drops of blood on a satin white sheet. And you see your life dreams shatter away.

You get disillusioned – you are not sure if you would want to have the desire again, if you would feel the same child like excitement for it again, ever in your life.

But the only constant part of life is that it moves on. It goes on and on, irrespective of how wrecked you feel – how weak you think you have become.

As Robert Frost wrote in a very famous poem of his, “And I have miles to go, before I sleep”.